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Sundries
...a sweatshop of moxie

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Fisking The Olympic Costumes

Yeah, yeah, everyone's a critic. I know.

But someone has to do it, and hey, it might as well be me.

Besides, what else do I have to do on a Saturday night when I have a bit of a sniffle, than to criticise what Andorra were wearing?

So without further ado, here are my thoughts about some of the Olympic costumes, as seen on the participant delegations, during the Torino 2006 Opening Ceremonies.

And I threw in the music for free. Just don't give me a hard time about the titles. I am a musical ignoramus. But cute!

GREECE: Winter, peeps, winter. This means you don't come dressed in track suits and baseball caps. What, did they recycle from Athens 2004? Ooh, look, a pretty, blonde Greek girl. Ever notice how countries send blonder people to the Winter Olympics? 90% of the Olympic delegations look like they come from the United States of Scandinavia. My God, there's that dishy lady mayor of Athens, wearing more fur than the Chupacabra. PETA will be wanting a word.

MUSIC: "Good Times". Dyn-oh-mmmite! Not.

AUSTRALIA: Looking very un-Aussie-like in all white, with just a yellow ski cap covering their hair. You get a sense the Australia goody-bag still came with sunblock and a sixpack of Fosters.

MUSIC: "I will survive". Now, is that the gay anthem or the feminist torch song? Either way, I like Macarthur Park better.

BELARUS: Looking oddly like accountants who got caught up in a parade. On the other hand, I actually stand a chance of looking like an Olympic athlete, as I have their too-tasteful dark beige macs and picnic tablecloth scarves in my closet.

BRAZIL: A HUGE Italian cheer went up for them, as they traipsed past wearing their requisite green and yellow jackets, complimented by a weird accessory combo of white jodhpur riding breeches, and...what are those...PITH HELMETS and GOGGLES?? Stick to soccer, people.

MUSIC: "Freak Out". Disco is NOT dead. It's just luge-ing.

CANADA: Cool get-up! Renato, who warned me that they looked "Canadian and igloo-y", wasn't kidding, but I had a more favourable impression. First, they chucked the Roots gear, and went with The Bay for their uniforms, and then, they chose a cute little beige Eskimo hat with CANADA in red on it. I love it! So Renato got me one at the Eaton Centre, Saturday. Woohoo! Obviously, I wasn't going to choose those yellow oven mitts they had on, instead.

(Oh God. Why is Brian Williams commentating alongside the ever-ponderous, Bob Costas? They just mentioned that though Stephen Harper has taken the country to the "Right, one thing Liberals and Conservatives can agree, is they love their hockey". Put a sock in it, you stats-obsessed dweeb!)

CHINA: Okay, okay, we get it. Ya'll have a problem with Avian flu. Did you have to remind us by wearing the blue and white contagion suits, too?

MUSIC: No clue. No, that's not the title. I genuinely don't know. Catchy though.

DENMARK: Have you noticed how Denmark sucks at the Winter Olympics? Or any Olympics, apart from yachting? What's up with that? Sweden, and Norway, even Finland rack up the golds! Anyway, the most important fashion detail was a bizarre ear muff, which looked like someone placed a red-and-white saucer on their ears. With a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed sticking out. Kidding!

GERMANY: What...are...they...wearing? Baby puke green and aircraft carrier orange flak jackets, over white trousers. What part of gold, red, or black didn't they understand?

JAPAN: No matter what the Japanese wear, they look great. And neat. Very neat. And like they have never heard of the concept of "fun".

GREAT BRITAIN: Yay! Cherie Blair is also this close to a PETA tofu tart, for her profuse fur-wearing habits. As for the Britain costume of off-white overcoats and racing green scarves -- least said, soonest mended. We either try to look super-cool and American, or go the Beefeater traditional route, and get both really really wrong. I think Renato nailed it, when he called them "dour".

MUSIC: "You should be dancing, yeah!" Ah, those groin-grabbing vocals by the Bee Gees. Good times.

IRAN: They have it easy. Every colour goes with a thick black moustache.

(There's Brian Williams again, his orange-tanned face thankfully off-camera, talking about Holocaust denial and the damned cartoons again, and Costas even got in a reference about their president having knocked off Dubya, as "the most controversial president in the world". Ooh. Kim-Jong Il won't like that ONE bit)

MUSIC: "Funky Town". Which has been played at every mob wedding, bar mitzvah, and smoker since time immemorial.

VIRGIN ISLANDS: Wait. Mrs. Claus competes in the Olympics? At the age of 52. "Grandma Luge", Ann Abernathy entered wearing her grannie glasses, white anorak, and looking all of 250 lbs. There's hope for us all.

ISRAEL: When I was growing up, South Africa was the world pariah, which always got tepid applause when they appeared in sporting events. Now it's Israel. The silence was marked, but then, so were their blue-blah-uniforms. And for some reason, they had only "ISR" on their baseball caps. What, they couldn't afford the "AEL"? That reminds me of when I went to Disney World, and dad wouldn't pay a buck for each letter in "Victoria". So somewhere is a photo of 14-year-old me, wearing mouse ears with "Vic" on it. Cheapskate!!

KAZAKHSTAN: Close your eyes. Imagine 56 Father Guido Sarduccis. Voila.

MUSIC: "Give me, love, give me love. I feel lovvvvve". A very unsexy tune, since it is obviously about the joys of solitary sin. Ew.

MONGOLIA: What can you say? They are the single-most watched nation at these events, for their magnificent native costumes. I don't know what the Fendi sisters paid them, but those roadkill pelts ROCKED.

SPAIN: Will someone inform Neil Armstrong his space suits are missing, or shall I?

UNITED STATES: Awesome! Very, very elegant jackets, with just that perfect combination of laid-back attitude and kick-your-ass professionalism. My only quibble with the costume is that the cap with the USA on it in the requisite red, white and blue, were so obviously rip-offs of the coolissimo Canadian caps of Salt Lake City. I notice the gals stuck to the red caps, and the boys with the blue, especially the "Flying Tomato", Shaun White, that snowboarding half-pipe fool. Oh look, it's Mrs. Bush! And Cherie Blair trying to get more face time on TV, as she leant over to block her view. Get your pelts out of the shot, Hillary Lite.

MUSIC: "Freedom". You knew it. It had to be a little dig about the US liberating Italy in World War II (quagmire!!).

ITALY: But the best, was very much saved for last. As if the skating cows wasn't enough, we get the entire Italian Olympic contigent looking like Futurama rejects from Planet Tinfoil. And just to add fuel to the pasta, they top that off with grey faux fur trimming, which just screams Moschino Eurotrash. At best, I would call the uniforms "catastrophic". At worst, "Jiffy Pop popcorn".

MUSIC: Having gotten the YMCA Village People tune out of the way, the Italians decided to go with their own when they filed past. So much so, I have no idea what pop tune that was, but I shimmied in my living room just the same.

Well, there we are. I hope you enjoyed your catty selves as much as I did.

And yes, I know.

When I post my photo one day, I am toast. TOAST. But cute!

P.S.: But can someone explain to me the meaning of the Ferrari race car doing donuts in the after-parade show? And no. "Ferarri on Ice" isn't coming to an arena near you. I checked.

12 Comments:

  • As that has-been in the commercials sung "Can't touch this," when you get rolling, everyone out of the way.
    But
    Our Hats, for heavens sake what is that? I think Spanky wore those in the 30's

    I really thought for a few seconds that when the Ferrari was done we would have the five Olympic rings burned onstage. Seriously.

    By Blogger Paul, at Sun Feb 12, 12:19:00 am GMT-5  

  • As that has-been in the commercials sung "Can't touch this,"

    What! Blasphemy! MC Hammer is greatttt.

    I still have those parachute pants he made popular, somewhere.

    when you get rolling, everyone out of the way.

    Steamrolling through, bleep bleep.

    But
    Our Hats, for heavens sake what is that? I think Spanky wore those in the 30's


    You no like Spanky?? Ah well.

    I do have to say that I like the US caps despite the fact that they look like something US postmen wear in winter, but anything is better than the baseball caps some nations curiously now favour all the time.

    It shows a lot of self-confidence in your culture when you don't have to wear your country's greatest fashion gift to the world (apart from Jeans, obviously), unlike the poor Mongolians and their beaver wotsits.

    I really thought for a few seconds that when the Ferrari was done we would have the five Olympic rings burned onstage. Seriously.

    I KNOW RIGHT!

    I told Renato exactly the same thing, as we watched it.

    And you know the sad thing about that?

    If the Ferrari had done the rings, that would've been SO COOL, and gone a ways to reinstating the whole sorry ceremonies in no small way.

    But no.

    It was a weird disjointed portion, after a weird disjointed programme.

    What I'd really want to know is -- who green lighted the disco tunes?

    Just imagining that conference where they came to that resolution, blows my head off.

    "Ay! I know-a. We put-a Donna Summer and Bee Gees-a as they walk-a down the catwalk-a!"

    "Yes! Good work, Ambrosio! And we put "YMCA" during Slovacchia, because everyone know they are the gay"


    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sun Feb 12, 02:44:00 am GMT-5  

  • When you mentioned "quagmire" in the USA music section, I thought that was a Family Guy reference.

    Diggity. Diggity.

    By Blogger Ruth Anne Adams, at Sun Feb 12, 07:32:00 am GMT-5  

  • Hi, Victoria: I'm not sure whether this goes better with your take-down post or here (normally I'd e-mail, but I'm not sure if your e-mails working). I came across this via Carnival of the Insanities this morning.

    http://badhairblog.blogspot.com/2006/02/olympic-condoms-via-dumb-ox-turin.html

    I regret that I was holding my cup of coffee too near my laptop when I first saw the pix. But it's OK now.

    By Blogger reader_iam, at Sun Feb 12, 08:36:00 am GMT-5  

  • "Ay! I know-a. We put-a Donna Summer and Bee Gees-a as they walk-a down the catwalk-a!"

    "Yes! Good work, Ambrosio! And we put "YMCA" during Slovacchia, because everyone know they are the gay"


    I don't suppose this is proper at all but I have to tell you Victoria, I love you. Why? Well, enough for here to say that you make me smile and it radiates down through my chest, often ending in outright laughter, as with the above sentences. Few people do that.

    Now, I'm going to slink off in embarrassment to a well-lit corner and read something heavy, perhaps say penance if called for - I'm watching Team USA score their second goal against Russia, which I love in a different way - that's concentrating on my subject, isn't it? Enough said, you already knew.
    You're a terrific writer and humourist with such a kind touch.

    By Blogger Paul, at Sun Feb 12, 01:38:00 pm GMT-5  

  • I mean Team USA Womens versus Germany. Sigh..... Ooooohh, just scored again! 3-0!

    By Blogger Paul, at Sun Feb 12, 01:55:00 pm GMT-5  

  • When you mentioned "quagmire" in the USA music section, I thought that was a Family Guy reference.

    Diggity. Diggity.


    Mother and I were at Taboo, an exclusive restaurant in Palm Beach's Worth Avenue (redundant, I know), when I gave my keys to the valet, who was lurking around.

    As I waited for my mother to get her tschokes from the car, to enter the resto, I hear from the back of the podium (where they keep their notes and car keys), a valet chappie doing the Quagmire catchphrase!

    "Diggity-diggity. OH YEAH!"

    Seems one guy was "teaching" the other ones about Family Guy, because he kept saying,

    "It's really good. You should watch it. Diggity-diggity, oh yeah!".

    The men were in their early 20's, and what kind of putzes are they, if they haven't heard of Family Guy?

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sun Feb 12, 04:13:00 pm GMT-5  

  • Hi, Victoria: I'm not sure whether this goes better with your take-down post or here (normally I'd e-mail, but I'm not sure if your e-mails working). I came across this via Carnival of the Insanities this morning.

    Thanks, RIA! I appreciate the thought.

    And email at will. I am very sloppy and willfully rude about responding, but I do read them.

    I regret that I was holding my cup of coffee too near my laptop when I first saw the pix. But it's OK now.

    Ohhhh. This should be good.

    Where's my Timmy Hortons?

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sun Feb 12, 04:14:00 pm GMT-5  

  • I mean Team USA Womens versus Germany. Sigh..... Ooooohh, just scored again! 3-0!

    I read your first post and thought, no way, the US are playing Russia?!?!

    You know what it is -- you've got Al Michaelsism:

    A very common condition which makes the patient associate the US with Russia in ALL Olympic competitions.

    My system is immune, since I got the Tonya Harding booster.

    P.S.: USA USA USA!!!!

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sun Feb 12, 04:17:00 pm GMT-5  

  • Heh. She's from New Jersey, and is called Fausta.

    Priceless photos, Reader_Iam.

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sun Feb 12, 04:19:00 pm GMT-5  

  • You can blame Canada for the US hats on Canada as they were designed by Roots. You can also blame us if Prince Charles and Robin Williams start prancing around in them.

    The opening ceremonies weren't cohesive at all. I don't get the Ferrari either, they didn't even have Schumacher driving it. Luca Badoer, a glorified go-cart driver? Come on!

    By Blogger Renato, at Mon Feb 13, 09:12:00 am GMT-5  

  • You can blame Canada for the US hats on Canada as they were designed by Roots. You can also blame us if Prince Charles and Robin Williams start prancing around in them.

    My God, the visual, the visual...Robin Williams and Prince Charles side-by-side, wearing Roots gear.

    The opening ceremonies weren't cohesive at all. I don't get the Ferrari either, they didn't even have Schumacher driving it. Luca Badoer, a glorified go-cart driver? Come on!

    Heh. I wonder if other Italians feel the same way.

    If they didn't mind coopting so much of foreign culture in their ceremonies (the songs, the models, etc.), why didn't they get Michael Schumacher at least?

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Tue Feb 14, 12:02:00 am GMT-5  

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