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...a sweatshop of moxie

Friday, March 25, 2005

Heroine Chic - Part Two

The Bad

You know the drill. We're in Part 2 of a 3-part look at the leading political ladies of the world. If you want reasoned discourse about their platforms, I direct you to Chez Malkin. If you want a waspish running commentary on their platform shoes, man have you come to the right gal.

Well, now that you've seen powerful women showing a little vanity in the velvet glove, it's time to dig a little deeper for the beauties.

The following women are not drowning in awfulness, it is true. Rather, it's more like someone should've taken them in hand, and said, "Come on, dollink. You're not going to wear that to your inauguration, are you?".

But no. They're just the opposite of that Moen ad campaign slogan, "Buy it for looks. Buy it for life".

Fortunately, we have term-limits.

Margaret Beckett, MP, Environmental Minister

Whenever I think of Margaret Beckett, I keep thinking of that age-old condescending lament, "Bless her, she does try".

And she does! She just can't help looking like Grannie Clampett's bloodhound.

Or Mrs. Fritz Mondale.

Or, for that matter, Miss Hathaway.

In fact, Margaret Beckett has exactly the air of a competent maiden secretary; a little mannish perhaps, but not without her good qualities -- like indexing her undies drawer by stock market abbreviation. She's a pearl, who few men want to go diving for. Totally their loss.

I once read a poll saying that she was a woman many men in Britain would secretly like a tumble with, and if that doesn't explain Prince Charles' attraction to Mrs. Parker-Bowles to foreigners, I don't know what does.

One thing though. If Tony loses the Premiership this May, I'll bet you anything he'll lay the blame on Margaret Beckett, his Minister for the Environment. Not the first time a fox would be a politician's undoing -- only usually he's sleeping with her not calling the RSPCA.

Ana Julia Carepa, Senator (Pará)

Remember in my introduction when I said, if some cleavage shows, that's just gravy? Well, I was hoping the gravy wouldn't be so lumpy.

The picture above is of Ana Julia Carepa, a SENATOR mind you, from the poor state of Pará in Brazil. Now tell me -- what is wrong with this photo?

If your answer is, "Dude, she used that pic for her official Brazilian Senate bio!", you get another cookie.

I don't know about you, but when I think of a female Senator, I think of a person not unlike Elizabeth Dole: a spunky lady, sure, and not above a little shenanigans with her Viagra'ed hubby (I apologise for the visual).

But not a woman wearing a see-thru' gold blouse, with sparkly dangle earrings, Denny Terrio medallion and a zip up flesh-toned bra.

Geez. She's a Senator, and it looks like she's trying out for "Hot or Not". Not!

And just in case you think, well, maybe that's an one-off, give her a break, have I got a photo for you. One time, it's a bad Anna Nicole Smith day. Twice, she's got augmentation issues.

She's not only tanned, either, she's flame-broiled. *tssss* Ooh! Caption Contest. Me first!

"May I hand you some Calamine, Senator?"

Milagros Ortiz Bosch, Vice-President of the Dominican Republic

"And then there's Maude. That old compromisin', enterprisin', anything but tranquilisin'...Right on Maude!".

Wow. That's scary. It's like someone said, "I wonder what would happen if we gave Bea Arthur...

...Nadia Comaneci's teeth?".

I don't know. But if we're still playing Hot or Not, I'd like to give her a negative 10.

It's a cruel world out there, Milagros. At least you have Secret Service.

Condoleeza Rice, US Secretary of State

Yes, Condoleeza Rice again. I love me some Condi! Don't nobody say nuthin' about Miss Condi!

But as I mentioned earlier, sometimes her enthusiastic patriotism influences her sense of fashion, making her stumble down the world stage catwalk like Sarah Jessica Parker did in that episode of Sex and the City.

"Oh My God. She's fashion roadkill!". Incoming!

Poor Condi. It's not her fault.

How to look tough yet feminine has bedevilled more than one female world leader, I can tell you. At least unlike ex-President Sukarno's little girl, she doesn't look like Michael Jackson's fashion guru.

I like Bubbles

Vaira Vike-Freiberga, President of Latvia

It's amazing what working women can do in a 24-hour day. Look at President Vike-Freiberga of Latvia.

Not only is she leader of an energetic, up-and-coming country, but she also moonlights as Lufthansa's oldest stewardess by night.

Here she is fresh from Mikhail Gorbachev's "Adopt-an-Ex-Communist-For-a-Day" Jumble sale.

Oh well done having nabbed that tasteful floral blouse from under Mrs. Enver Hoxha's nose!

And though those waves in her hair look like someone's ploughed a pasta fork through them, she does scrub up better than most, despite the quality of dry cleaning available in Latvia.

Only one question remains -- why is it when women get any type of power, they think putting a gold pin on their left bosom will make them look better?

I guess it's one of those imponderables like Janeane Garofalo's decreasing sense of humour-to-nose ring ratio.

So you see, there are plenty of the "inbetweenies" -- women not bofu enough or not sartorially-challenged enough to have made my Downright Ugly category, and yet, could stand to have a girl's day at the spa once in a while.

And for those of you expecting an Elizabeth II sighting tomorrow, I hate to disappoint you, but I don't do the bleeding obvious.

Brenda may not be beyond Helen Mirren's comedic talents, but she's beyond even my poison keyboard.

Cover me

As my Cuban friends would say, "ño!".



  • If Newton had been brazilian, Ana Julia Carepa would have been enough to prove his theory of gravity!

    Very lovely side-by-side profile "pick" of the Queen and Camilla. Is it just me or does she look like Johnny Carson in a wig?

    By Blogger Renato, at Fri Mar 25, 11:52:00 pm GMT-5  

  • Why Renato, are you suggesting Senator Carepa's dual bounties are less than perky? Order! Order! ;)

    And yes, it's not just you -- the Johnny Carson similarity has been noted by more than one BBC presenter. "Here's Lizzzzzie!".


    By Blogger vbspurs, at Mon Mar 28, 12:12:00 am GMT-5  

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