Why I Am Voting Democrat
Not me, sillies. It's just that it reminded of John Althouse Cohen's intriguing three part essay on why Obama "lost" him (although he says he will still vote for him).
(Via Colony 14)
After reviewing all the significant issues, I've decided to throw my support to Democrats. Here is my logic:
I'm voting Democrat because I believe the government can do a much better job of spending my money than I can.
I'm voting Democrat because freedom of speech should be limited to what offends no one else.
I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they will then realize we're good people after all.
I'm voting Democrat because I don't really believe the radical Muslims want to destroy Israel and kill all the Jews.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us for certain whether it will rain three days from now can nevertheless tell us with confidence that the polar ice caps will melt to nothing in 10 years if I don't start driving a Prius.
I'm voting Democrat because I'm not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of using tax money for prison inmate sex-change operations.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe businesses should not be allowed to make profits; they should only break even and give the rest to the government for redistribution as Congress sees fit.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe four or five pointy-headed elitist liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few weeks to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when the terrorists no longer have to fight us over there they'll come here, and I certainly don't want to have any guns in my house to protect myself and my family.
I'm voting Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whoever or whatever I want; I've decided to marry my horse.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe oil company profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.
I'm voting Democrat because I want to eliminate state right to work laws, to make all workers join the union even if they are opposed to the idea.
I'm voting Democrat because the media will then always say good things about the economy and the Administration's handling of it, regardless of whether things are getting better or worse.
I'm voting Democrat because I want to eliminate secret ballots in union elections so union goons and thugs can look over my shoulder as I sign my voting card.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that when union workers go on strike for $30 per hour their employers shouldn't be allowed to hire other qualified people who are willing to take those jobs for $29 per hour.
I'm voting Democrat because I think taxpayers should give $65 billion per year in "anti-global poverty taxes" to the United Nations for bureaucrats there to distribute as they see fit, because they did such a good job handling the oil for food program.
I'm voting Democrat because if my 14 year old daughter gets an abortion I don't want to pay for it or know about it.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe that if a baby survives an abortion attempt it should be left to die in a cold steel hospital pan rather than be given medical attention.
I'm voting Democrat because you should not have to provide a photo I.D. to vote, and you should not be prevented from voting on behalf of a dead neighbor.
I'm voting Democrat because I'd like to continue hiring quotas and school admission quotas; being a member of a minority should always count more than skill and experience.
I'm voting Democrat because I want taxpayers to pay for the college educations of illegal immigrants.
I'm voting Democrat because I think it's okay if Ken marries Jim, or Sue marries Mary, or Sue marries both Ken and Mary.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe the American Civil Liberties Union should continue to protect the North American Man Boy Love Association and its encouragement of sex between adult men and young boys.
I'm voting Democrat because tax money should continue to go to groups like ACORN which somehow are able to register more people to vote than there are adult residents in the counties where they have registration drives.
I'm voting Democrat because I think convicted felons should be allowed to vote; I especially think convicted child molesters should be able to vote for judges who give the most lenient sentences.
I'm voting Democrat because I think if a union worker gets laid off and gets a lower-paying non-union job, the taxpayers should make up the difference so he doesn't lose a dime; it's okay if he does the same job as I do and he gets paid more.
I'm voting Democrat because I want to pay taxes for free day care and pre-school for all children, even if I don't have any small children of my own, and even though most workers at those places will be lesbian leftists determined to brainwash the children into Marxist doctrine.
I'm voting Democrat because I think public housing has turned out so well that we need a lot more of it.
I’m voting Democrat because the idea of giving mortgage money to people who can’t afford to pay it back turned out so well for the American economy.
I’m voting Democrat because they opposed every effort in the last 10 years to put tighter controls on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
I'm voting Democrat because I want to double foreign aid, even though most of the countries that get the aid hate America and then skim 50 per cent off the top.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of punishing the oil companies with a windfall profits tax that would discourage much needed exploration and drilling in the United States.
I'm voting Democrat because I think our offshore oil should be extracted by Cuba, China, Venezuela, and other countries; I especially like the fact that other countries are much less careful about environmental safeguards than are Americans.
I'm voting Democrat because an incredibly expensive carbon energy tax would be great for the economy after businesses pass on those costs to everyone with higher prices on all goods and services.
I'm voting Democrat because I think we can probably encourage investment by doubling the capital gains tax, because people always want to invest heavily in things that cost them the most in taxes.
I'm voting Democrat because I think we should raise income taxes on all the people who can afford Cadillacs, even though it means Cadillac workers will lose their jobs.
I'm voting Democrat because I think it's a good idea to raise Social Security taxes on anyone who earns more than $97,000, and tack on a 2-4 per cent surcharge, even though he won't get a higher retirement benefit because of his additional taxes.
I'm voting Democrat because a big raise in the minimum wage will give some people higher paychecks, even though it will result in higher prices nationwide and will cause a lot of people to lose their jobs and not be hired in the first place.
I'm voting Democrat because I think it's a good idea to leave all of America's oil in the ground, never to be accessed, in order that we can buy more from the Middle East and our friend Hugo Chavez in Venezuela.
I'm voting Democrat because I think we need to keep tariffs high on Brazilian ethanol based on sugar cane so that Americans can’t buy it, even though it's too cold in America to grow our own sugar cane.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of blocking the construction of new nuclear power plants that we will need so that we can plug in all those electric cars we've been hearing about for 40 years.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of requiring employers to give workers up to 12 weeks of paid time off for "family leave" and I don't think that would make it more difficult for American businesses to compete in the global economy.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe the estate/death tax should stay in place and even be increased, so that when the owner of a business or farms dies, his family has to sell it to pay the taxes, rather than keep it in the family where it can support their livelihood.
I'm voting Democrat because I'm sure that if we raise tariffs on imported goods no other countries will do the same in retaliation.
I'm voting Democrat because I'd rather send my children to a poorly-run public school with terrible teachers who can't be fired than have a voucher system that would let me shop around for a better school.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the proposal of free college for anyone who maintains a "B" average because that probably can't cost very much in additional taxes and I don't anticipate any problems with professors suddenly becoming more generous in their grading.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of a "fairness doctrine" that would force radio stations to give equal time for all opposing opinions, even though the stations will lose money when no one listens to those broadcasts and will end up canceling all the talk shows I now enjoy.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of resurrecting an air traffic controller's union so that the safety of airline passengers can be compromised by the threat of a strike or a work slowdown.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of a national health care plan where illegal immigrants can get the best medical care my tax dollars can provide, and because I like the idea of doctors leaving the profession after the government reduces their fees in an effort to keep the program from going bankrupt.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of prohibiting insurance companies from having exclusions for pre-existing conditions, even though it means no one in their right mind would buy insurance until they get sick and that will put all the nation's health insurers out of business.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe in equal pay for the sexes, that pre-school teachers should be paid the same as high-rise construction workers, that all men should be paid the same as Oprah and all women should be paid the same as Bill Gates.
I'm voting Democrat because I want to put an end to racial profiling; I don't think it's fair for the police to know that the guy who robbed the liquor store is a young black guy with a beard, and that the police are more likely to apprehend him if they also have to stop and question old women, whites, and Hispanics who don't have beards.
I'm voting Democrat because I don't think the United States, Israel, or Europe needs a missile defense system to protect against nuclear missiles from Russia, Iran, or North Korea.
I'm voting Democrat because I don't think we need the F-22 Raptor, V-22 Osprey, Virginia-class submarines, or the DDG-1000 destroyer.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe the primary responsibility of our Armed Forces should not be to defend America in time of war, but to rescue fat, stupid people from the roofs of houses during hurricanes.
I'm voting Democrat because I would like to see deep cuts in America's nuclear arsenal, even though crazed dictators around the world are desperately working to build up their own arsenals.
I'm voting Democrat because I like the idea of always blaming America first.
I'm voting Democrat because I think Israel can fend for itself and isn't in any danger.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe Israel should just turn the other cheek and let Hamas and Hezbollah bomb its citizens without consequence.
I'm voting Democrat because I don't think America should honor its commitment to NATO and the other nations that signed the agreement.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe America can avoid conflict by negotiating with anyone, including crackpot dictators who have stated their goal is to destroy Western Civilization, and Russian leaders whose KGB backgrounds have left them totally trustworthy.
I'm voting Democrat because I think we need to "restore America's moral standing in the world" among the socialist nations of Europe and dictatorships of Africa, even though that means turning our backs on allies like England, Australia, New Zealand, Poland, and other nations that haven't embraced socialism.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe the best way to stop a mad dictator with nuclear weapons is to have the United Nations send him a strongly-worded letter.
I’m voting Democrat because I like the idea of not doing anything to keep more people from entering the country illegally.
I'm voting Democrat because I think we need a much easier "pathway to citizenship" than entering the country legally and following the existing rules that millions of people have followed in the past.
I'm voting Democrat because I believe in irresponsibility, moral equivalence, and government making all my decisions for me.
I'm voting Democrat because I am planning on going on the public dole and letting everyone else pay for what I want.
September 24, 2008
(Via Colony 14)