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...a sweatshop of moxie

Sunday, February 27, 2005

And the winner is...!

Welcome to Live Blogging for the Oscars. I'm just doing the Biggies though. None of this Oscar for Best Adaptation of an Animated Short Foreign Film Documentary. If it doesn't get an invite to the Vanity Fair Ball, I'm not blogging about it, pffft!

8:33- Ooh, a retrospective, and not that Chuck Workman bit that gets dusted off every year. Oh gosh, Shrek and Charlie Chaplin...somehow, the art medium known as cinema seems to have gone downhill in 80 years.
8:38- As blogger guest Renato said, "He (Chris Rock) is in David Letterman territory now." The Oscars is not the chance try out your stand-up, Chris. Tobey McGuire diss! He is burning bridges. I hope his Hummer is amphibious.
8:41- "They can make 6 Police Academies but can't make one Passion of the Christ." Tank city. And by that I mean his tank tops in Banana Republic-Iraq WMD allusion. No he's not reaching, is he?
8:46- First Oscar goes to Italians who thanked their kids Melissa, Edoardo e Giorgio, and no lawyers. Damn skimpy.
8:48- BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR- Morgan Freeman! Had to be. For having to drive Miss Daisy to the Piggly-Wiggly for years long after Jessica Tandy passed on.
8:54- Robin Williams looking like Count Cagliostro in that tapered at the waist half-tux. Red shirt keeps out the Chianti stains or the blood from the Estate of Marlon Brando.

8:57- BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM- The Incredibles! Bit difficult to make a sequel though. I mean, what do you call it? The Superlatives? The Galactics? The José Mourinho Egos?
9:00- This new idea of thanking people in the aisles is bizarre. During Queen Victoria's Diamond Jubilee, Thanksgiving prayers were held OUTSIDE of St. Paul's Cathedral, prompting one dignitary to snipe, "Imagine, after 60 years of glorious reign, thanking God in the street." Give them a podium!
9:05- Just because your name looks French, Beyoncé, doesn't mean you can speak it (or sing it).
9:15- I would kill myself if my name were Horst Burbulla.
9:21- BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS- Cate Blanchett! Deservedly so. She's apologising to her husband for the cheesiness of having to thank him. Give me a break, Cate -- this whole night is one big stinky frommage.
9:28- Only one Carson, says Whoopi Goldberg. "The bridge between the old and the new." And she's right.
9:32- BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE- Born into Brothels! Finally, Anna Nicole Smith gets hers. (Renato: What kind of accent is that? Sounds like Jersey meets Mersey).
9:33- Okay, what's the deal? The categories are like a sausage factory -- get 'em in, get 'em out! The Oscars are supposed to run long. We all know this. At this frantic pace, Jack Nicholson will be home by midnight.
9:42- Catherine Zeta-Jones caught in the loo, Chris Rock fills in. Many lame jokes ensue. (Renato: Someone must have hacked into her T-Mobile Sidekick).
9:50- Sidney Lumet gets a Hitchcockian Oscar, or "Sorry we couldn't honour you for any of your real films, but here's a nice statuette where you can pretend we did." Come on, Academicians. 12 Angry Men alone was better than a dozen Dances with Wolves. UPDATE: He gave one of the most elegant speeches ever. If I were ever to give an Oscar acceptance speech, it would be Lumet's. Even Mickey Rooney was in tears. He just heard the bar was closed.
9:58- Guest blogger Jim wants you to know Iron Chef Flay had a big win and the Slam Dunk Skillet contest is next! Hey. Not everyone is rivetted to ABC.

10:10- "Comedy Superstar Jeremy Irons". True. Brideshead Revisited was miles better than Coupling.
10:12- First Oscar to Dogs Bollocks everywhere.
10:29- Antonio Banderas needs singing lessons from that Brazilian Miller Lite parrot. "F-minor, papi!".
10:41- Blimey, Alan Greenspan gets a thank you, and it's not from anyone named Andrea or Dubya. *zinger!*
10:28- Someone do the dozens about Yo-Yo Ma. "Yo Yo Ma was so fat...". Come on, work with me people!
10:30- My favourite part of the Oscars. Remembering those who have passed. *sniff*
11:00- Jorge Drexler curtsied to Prince. Who's going to tell him that's not Charles?
11:02- Sean Penn showing us once again he has no sense of humour at all. Film at eleven.
11:03- BEST ACTRESS- Hillary Swank! Dude looks like a lady. Wow, is it me or is she a dead-ringer for Judy Garland though? I'd like to have seen Judy take an upper-cut. Ooh, Chad Lowe gets a thank you. Finally.
11:12- BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM- to Spain for The Sea Inside! Bah. I wanted Der Untergang, 'cause any film with der Führer has my vote. Still, Javier Bardem was great in this film but Heil Bardem! doesn't have the same ring.
11:24- BEST ACTOR- Jamie Foxx! You could've blown me down with a feather. I thought his performance was more an impersonation, than an acting performance, but hey. Oooh, Ophrah with a Black Power sign. Jamie honouring his grandmother. "Lot to talk tonight". Get used to hearing that acceptance speech. That'll be in Oscars Highlights for years and years.
11:34- BEST DIRECTOR- Clint Eastwood! Man, what a let down for Marty, but at least we got to see the lovely mother of Clint Eastwood. What do you expect? No bitchiness at 11:30? I'm tired here. Now I know how Wonkette feels at the State of the Unions.
11:35- Okay chaps, we have the runway in sight. Barbra Streisand forgot her grannie glasses. Best joke of the night.
11:37- BEST PICTURE- MILLION DOLLAR BABY! "It's better to vin!". Hey, no Ahnuld? I guess he and Wolfgang Puck are too busy setting up the schnitzels for the Governor's Ball.

And speaking of balls, this has been some kind of blogging marathon. And may I say, though this might be the worst Oscars in living memory, I had a blast. And I for one would like to thank my lawyer.

UPDATE: I don't know how they found me, but the good folks at Liveblogging.org found this post about the Oscars, and have a smörgåsbord of live Oscar blogging. Check them out!


  • One word: hi-larious

    By Blogger patricio lopez, at Mon Feb 28, 09:53:00 am GMT-5  

  • Thank you. I see that you were writing while watching. There's a quality of newsreel immediacy in your post. While I couldn't care two hoots who won what, I stayed with you. Until Clint Eastwood, that is. After that, I got queasy and staggered looward. Is that a word?

    Question: why is cinema easy? Answer: because if you muck it up, you can stop and start over. Try that on live stage and see what the audience does.

    Dale Andersen

    By Blogger Playwrighter, at Mon Feb 28, 04:41:00 pm GMT-5  

  • Gracias, Patricio. I have to tell you that I am capable of being much more off-the-cuff wittier, but it's hard-going when you have a timeline to stick to!

    "What do I say now?? Should I mention Jeremy Irons looks like an unemployed pianist from India? Wow, a fashion first -- white tie Nehru jacket!".

    Etc. :)

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Mon Feb 28, 08:36:00 pm GMT-5  

  • Dale, it's the very thing -- blogging live is the closest thing to calling a play-by-play in baseball that I can imagine.

    That's why, as you said perfectly in "newsreel immediacy", the frantic pace can be offset if you have some inside knowledge to guide you, as Bob "Encyclopaedia Coopersvilia" Costas realises.

    I also agree that cinema may seem easier, because it allows constant reworking of acting, but I personally adore both media -- celluloid and theatre.

    Hmm, next time I go to London, I'll report on the plays I've seen whilst there (I usually catch up to 1 every other night, since I'm pretty bereft here).

    And has anyone told you you'd make a good playwright? ;)

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Mon Feb 28, 08:41:00 pm GMT-5  

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