So That's What Happened To Elvira

I tell you, there are some strange finds online, especially hanging around all-guy forums.

I have decided to increase my knowledge base about automobiles, which currently stands at exactly "What does that knob thingie do?", since I was raised by a completely car illiterate dad. It was inevitable then, that these hyper-macho sites would centre around that other male hobby: women.

One post certainly caught my eye, though. In the "for sale" area, a buxom Bronx babe of ironically similar name to me (!), was selling this.



Frankly, I could look at this photo all day, although not exactly for the same reasons why male Sundries readers might do.

It's just that I'm fascinated by (a) her sales pitch background (b) her artful presentation of the sale items (c) her iced out "jewelry" and general demeanour (d) her nails, and lastly (e) her potentially real boobs. Let's take that last bit first, shall we?

-- And there was great cheering throughout the land... --

First, I think they're real, but I'm such a duffer about such things. They have the naturalistic "smush" that err, mine have *blush*, so I'm fairly sure they're real and not the watermelon freakshow variety.

But her nails raise my antennae, since they are acrylic jobbies, not to mention that suspicious tan-in-a-can orange glow she has.

And would I want to buy a Ford Taurus door handle from George Hamilton? No, no I wouldn't.

I've been trying to figure out what her background is, by using deliberately obnoxious and rude stereotypes about ethnicities in New York, which I've carefully culled throughout the years by watching television shows like Kojak and The Sopranos.

Consequently, I've narrowed it down to Italian, Iranian or Russian. It's gotta be a people who make long black tresses into a fetish, but aren't afraid to look ridiculous even if they aren't fully aware they are ridiculous.

Like, you know, the Gotti boys.



The ice she's wearing is also fascinating. Fascinating because it's so fake, and therefore she must be aware that is bad sales practise. Rather like going to Saudi Arabia to close on a multi-billion dollar deal, wearing a fake Rolex from Guangzhou.

We can tell, get over yourself, sweetheart.



-- Actually, my mother wears paste jewelry because it's a time-honoured female way of mix-and-matching a fashion look. This gal, however, looks like she really thinks she's a female baller, like that delightful Kimora Lee. And by delightful, I mean utterly repulsive and venal. --

What is that charm around her neck anyway?

It looks like a cornucopia, or maybe even a leprechaun slipper? Who goes out wearing a leprechaun slipper around their necks! Sheesh. I ask you.

Having explored her jewelry, let's touch on the actual items she's trying to flog. It's like, instead of rummaging at the Goodwill store like normal middle-class people do, she decided to head to the local junkyard and solder off bits from Chevys.

What the hell kind of person does this! Sheesh. I ask you.



My God, is that a cigarette lighter? What is that! I must know.



In this last picture, we're even given insight about her surroundings. That's a mighty expensive Italian leather sofa...from Rent-to-Own.

Clearly, this vendor person decided to choose black because it would make a good background for her accumulation of car parts. But she added some Daisy Dukes for good measure.

That's George Michael territory. Dayum!

I also like how she's daintily holding the items out for the viewer, like one would with a fragile orchid or a truffle. Voilà! she seems to be saying silently with her ginormous boobs, I mean, outstretched palms.

Careful, fellas. It's Crate-and-Barrel rules: you break, you buy.



Just so that you know, she doesn't have a good word-of-mouth from the guys in the forum, at least not about her stuff. She's forgetful, listing items long since sold to some sucker, I mean, buyer.

Somehow, though, I don't see a lot of men complaining. That used Volvo clutch isn't what is making their pulses race.

It's the certain knowledge they will get a sexually ambitious woman's digits cheaper than a dinner and a movie would've cost.

And if for nothing else, I applaud her and them both for their business acumen. A+++.