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Sundries
...a sweatshop of moxie

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Sex In The Salon

Men love sex.

For them, sex represents the ultimate form of relaxation -- a bodily enjoyment so intense, as to allow every care in life to be blocked out, part conquest, part release, every bit nerve-tingling radiance.

For women, it's complicated.

Sex is not the sole preocupation, the raison d'etre of womanhood, which subsumes their thoughts until only a burst of satisfaction will quench their desires.

Sure, many many women love sex -- but for the physical closeness, the emotional bond, and especially the tenderness of commitment, however brief, it represents.

What do women want, what do women prefer even, to sex?

Well may you ask.

But I can only reply for myself.

I want to pamper myself -- alllllll the time.

This is the complicated bit, since pampering may well include sex.

But there's shopping to be counted here, and yet, also that mysterious activity known as:

A day at the beauty salon / spa.

I say mysterious, because I know few men who would venture inside a non-unisex beauty salon, if they could help it.

The reason for this may be various, but my mother has described it thusly:

Any gaggle of females which outnumbers males, seems to belong to that side of life which men would rather bite off the head of a live chicken, than to penetrate.

(This may explain why many men sit in mall seats for hours, rather than enter Victoria's Secrets with their old ladies)

Well, I'm here to tell you, I love a day at the beauty salon, and indeed, I just came from two sessions, in the span of 4 days.

Today, I had my hair highlighted, cut and styled.

And the other day, I had a manicure and pedicure.

As long as you promise not to reveal the hidden secrets of this most Holy of Holies, below, I will show you just what this looks like.

Be a fly on the wall, lads, to see just what women love to do when you're not around!


A DAY AT THE SPA





The first thing you do, is to shed your clothes and shoes, get inside a a terry cloth, Egyptian cotton bathrobe, put on a pair of slippers, and waddle to the nail salon chamber.

This is just past the waxing area chambers, which are usually closed, but every once in a while, you can hear the piercing screams of poor damsels in undress, being Brazilian bikini-waxed to perfection.

Ironically, women do this to get men, who then want to have sex with them. But I am getting ahead of my story.

Of course, next up, you'll pass by the hairstylists doing whatever magic it is they teach you at Barbizon, an alchemist's delight of potions, metals, dyes and plastics, the likes of which only a Count Cagliostro might master.

And yes, they offer you herbal tea, coffee, and even Cognac, at the more upscale joints -- and thus properly anaesthesised, your particular transformation can begin.





But if a manicure or pedicure is your port-of-call, as it was mine that day, you will more than likely have one of these contraptions around.

This type of room is usually only big enough to receive two ladies at a time.

That is, two ladies for pedicures, and two ladies seated for manicures, although Vietnamese-run establishments like to squeeze 'em in like beluga caviare.

My spa is run by Merkins, and staffed by Latin Americans, and for 58 bucks a pop for a pedicure, they better not overbook, mm-okay.

So, then you slip your feet into the bubbling hot water, to tenderise your tooties so that the callouses you've accrued since your last visit, can be scraped off quicker.

Sometimes you get a talkative mani/pedicurist. Sometimes not.

That day, I got a virtually mute one, and to boot, she had a penchant for Celine Dion, interspersed with New Agish music, heavy on the Kitaro.

My dears. Absolute torture.

Even more than cuticle removal.





There she is, the mute intently working on my red-nail varnish (polish) for my toes.

Meanwhile, I was reading Vogue Spring 2006, and wondering just how much that new Prada bag on page 902, would look like on my shoulder.

I did mention shopping is important to women, right? Good.

As my toes got worked on, I took in my surroundings.

The room was, as you can plainly seen, done in a Dijon mustard colour, which just screams, "Zen Kitschy Salon Chic".

But though I am cynical about the decor, wouldn't you know it, but its calming colours did have the effect they intended.

I especially liked their bamboo window treatments, which let in just the perfect amount of sunlight, the better to relax you.

Up-down, up-down, she massaged my legs, since a good salon pedicure is not just about cutting toenails and applying paint.

It includes massages with spearmint feet cream, as well as a loofah scrub, an appliqué of rosemary oil, a rice-embedded neck brace, heated in the microwave and placed behind your neck, reaching every pore of your body with its heat.

I just had what is called the "European spa pedicure" which includes all this, a process many men would think is quite enough luxury, but believe me...

...there are many other options you can choose, including paraffin wax dips, and hot stone pedicures.

They may sound mediaeval, but I believe it says in the Bible, a good shiatsu massage brings you closer to God.

Look it up.





I started this spa travellogue by saying that sex is as important to men, as pampering is to women.

But though it is certainly true that men have their own secrets in the barbershop, there is now a new breed of man, who dares to penetrate the inner sanctum of women.

This curvaceous figure above, fluffing his wet hair as he must have just come out of the Vichy Rainshower (you what?) area, is not of a female...

...but is that of a bloke!

Yes, the Metrosexual has arrived.

He too has manicures and pedicures, and hot stone massages, and quite possibly also has his eyebrows tweezed, because let's face it, men's eyebrows look like Leonid Breznev's did, if not attended to.

And no, he's not necessarily effeminate, either.

This man shown here, certainly wasn't, as he even tried to chat me up in the ante-room, whilst we both waited for our next round of pampering!

Because you see, and stop me if you've heard this one before -- men love sex...even when they are getting a pedicure.

Me, I love pedicures. And sex.

But jeez Louise, not at the same time, you know?

P.S.: I rebuffed him, it goes without saying. I was too busy filling out Cosmo's quiz on "How to Have Better Sex with a Hot Stud", to flirt with a handsome, semi-naked toweled stranger. Humph.

25 Comments:

  • Me, I love pedicures. And sex.

    But jeez Louise, not at the same time, you know?


    There goes my suggestion, oh well.

    (still, maybe there's enough women who don't share your view that a new business model might be considered)

    (and to clarify, I'm not talking about liking both individually, I'd hope most women like both (or at least the later), but it's the possible business opportunities suggested by simultaneity that intrigues me personally)

    By Blogger XWL, at Thu Apr 06, 06:35:00 am GMT-4  

  • Me, I love pedicures. And sex.

    But jeez Louise, not at the same time, you know?


    What? you don't like having your toes sucked? well, damn.

    By Blogger I R A Darth Aggie, at Thu Apr 06, 08:53:00 am GMT-4  

  • Forgot this...

    because let's face it, men's eyebrows look like Leonid Breznev's did, if not attended to.

    Guilty as charged. Worse yet, I have to...sigh...trim my ear lobes. Let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've had an ingrown hair in your freakin' ear lobe.

    By Blogger I R A Darth Aggie, at Thu Apr 06, 08:57:00 am GMT-4  

  • there is now a new breed of man, who dares to penetrate the inner sanctum of women.

    Victoria, there is nothing new about this! Cuban boys have been taught about penetrating women's inner sanctums for hundreds of years!

    By Blogger Jose Aguirre, at Thu Apr 06, 09:32:00 am GMT-4  

  • I especially liked their bamboo window treatments, which let in just the perfect amount of sunlight, the better to relax you.

    [Martin Sheen voice] Nail salon...I'm still in the nail salon...

    Sorry, love, still got war on the brain!

    A pedicure during sex? Call John Waters, we've got a pitch!

    By Blogger Ron, at Thu Apr 06, 10:15:00 am GMT-4  

  • Sex? eh.

    ah, but good pastrami...



    OT, I have a bit o' Marxist humor for you, over at Fluffy Stuffin...
    http://fluffystuffin.blogspot.com/

    By Blogger Ron, at Thu Apr 06, 11:03:00 am GMT-4  

  • I think you mistakenly put an extra "h" on the last word of your post.

    By Blogger Ruth Anne Adams, at Thu Apr 06, 01:13:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Well, I had a good chuckle, Victoria. This was cute! I do give tremendous foot massages - my ex misses them! - but I wouldn't go into one of those places, alone, for all the tea in China!

    By Blogger benning, at Thu Apr 06, 05:17:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Ruth Anne! What a naughty thing to say! ROFL!

    By Blogger benning, at Thu Apr 06, 06:10:00 pm GMT-4  

  • There goes my suggestion, oh well.

    Which was...?

    Heh. I'm such a tease.

    (still, maybe there's enough women who don't share your view that a new business model might be considered)

    Head south, turn east, and when you come to a fork in the road called Thailand, you'll know you're there.

    Careful with the man-eating beeatches.

    (and to clarify, I'm not talking about liking both individually, I'd hope most women like both (or at least the later)

    Somes do, somes don't.

    Some like it, but think it's a chore.

    Some never forgot what Sister Mary Penitence told them about it.

    I'm talking about pedicures, obviously.

    but it's the possible business opportunities suggested by simultaneity that intrigues me personally)

    If you build it, they will cum.

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Thu Apr 06, 08:50:00 pm GMT-4  

  • What? you don't like having your toes sucked? well, damn.

    What about me said "Sarah, Duchess of York"?

    Apart from my flaming strawberry blonde locks, obviously.

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Thu Apr 06, 08:51:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Guilty as charged. Worse yet, I have to...sigh...trim my ear lobes. Let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've had an ingrown hair in your freakin' ear lobe.

    IRA please! We're not on those intimate terms just yet.

    It's a wonder you didn't regale us with your belly button fluff anecdotes.

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Thu Apr 06, 08:52:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Victoria, there is nothing new about this! Cuban boys have been taught about penetrating women's inner sanctums for hundreds of years!

    Si, lo se.

    Que no hay de 'locas' Cubanas en las peluquerias. :)

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Thu Apr 06, 08:53:00 pm GMT-4  


  • [Martin Sheen voice] Nail salon...I'm still in the nail salon...

    Sorry, love, still got war on the brain!


    I warn you. I don't respond very well to 70's movie references.

    A pedicure during sex? Call John Waters, we've got a pitch!

    YES!

    First Shampoo. Now Cuticle!

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Thu Apr 06, 08:54:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Sex? eh.

    ah, but good pastrami...


    Hey, whaddayaknow. I made my first Reuben sandwich yesterday.

    It was DEElicious. ;)

    OT, I have a bit o' Marxist humor for you, over at Fluffy Stuffin...
    http://fluffystuffin.blogspot.com/


    Excellent! Engel's Comedy Hour over at Ron's!

    P.S.: Remember when Harpo Marx took a solo tour of Soviet Russia in the 30's -- and insisted the posters advertising his gig at the Maryinsky Theatre read:

    Marx Live!

    ;)

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Thu Apr 06, 08:56:00 pm GMT-4  

  • I think you mistakenly put an extra "h" on the last word of your post.

    You have spunk, Ruth Anne! I hate spunk.

    Although jizz is okay.

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Thu Apr 06, 08:57:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Well, I had a good chuckle, Victoria. This was cute! I do give tremendous foot massages - my ex misses them!

    Awww. Sorry about that Benning.

    May you find a foot to massage soon enough, if you already haven't.

    I heard blogs are the new clubs. :)

    - but I wouldn't go into one of those places, alone, for all the tea in China!

    And you couldn't force me to go into one of those strip clubs for all the Prada bags in Hong Kong!

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Thu Apr 06, 08:59:00 pm GMT-4  

  • So this is what goes on in a salon? I always figured it involved naked twister.

    By Blogger JSU, at Fri Apr 07, 03:38:00 am GMT-4  

  • All I can picture in my mind's eye, is Elaine Benes at the Korean manicurists.

    "Oh! She make knock-knock joke."

    By Blogger SippicanCottage, at Fri Apr 07, 01:46:00 pm GMT-4  

  • What about me said "Sarah, Duchess of York"?

    Your tale of attending a Brazilian orgy, perhaps?

    It's a wonder you didn't regale us with your belly button fluff anecdotes.

    Actually, it's not. I don't take any note of what's hiding in there...

    I could regale with some...ah, you wouldn't believe me if I told you...

    By Blogger I R A Darth Aggie, at Fri Apr 07, 02:35:00 pm GMT-4  

  • I got the sex bit. Well last night I did anyway. My wife's accusation that I fell asleep in mid bonk due to copious amounts of Bud is probably wrong......

    Cuticle removal? Pedicures? Manicures? Shopping?

    I'm lost. What is all this stuff?

    By Blogger FOUR DINNERS, at Fri Apr 07, 04:12:00 pm GMT-4  

  • So this is what goes on in a salon? I always figured it involved naked twister.

    It does, my friend. It does.

    P.S.: Do you know that our Milanista Tom, actually knew who one of those naked Twister tarts was??

    That boy just watches too much Spice Channel.

    P.S.: I hope to be on soon, JSU. Don't give up hope, just because I'm rude. :(

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Apr 08, 03:06:00 am GMT-4  

  • All I can picture in my mind's eye, is Elaine Benes at the Korean manicurists.

    "Oh! She make knock-knock joke."


    And all I can think of NOW, having read this, is Margaret Cho and her feigning she doesn't know English, when she is asked something she doesn't want to answer.

    She hides behind her "Asianness", and says,

    "I no know (giggle, bury mouth in hand)"

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Apr 08, 03:08:00 am GMT-4  

  • Your tale of attending a Brazilian orgy, perhaps?

    Can't you have thought of Gisele Bündchen instead? ;)

    Actually, it's not. I don't take any note of what's hiding in there...

    Nor I. I just loofah and slough.

    I could regale with some...ah, you wouldn't believe me if I told you...

    Tell!

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Apr 08, 03:10:00 am GMT-4  

  • I'm lost. What is all this stuff?

    Quite. Welcome to Sundries. :)

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Apr 08, 03:11:00 am GMT-4  

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