Horoscope Truthiness

(Welcome Vernondent readers!)

Happy Birthday, Renato!

Many happy returns to the Sundries co-blogger I'm sure, from all of us. Now then, an Aries man, is it?

In the spirit of the horoscope, or as I like to call it, that worthless piece of junk superstition that aims so broadly that it's bound to get some stuff right sometimes, here is The Official Adam Sandler Horoscope redaction, for your and other star signs.

Aries first, of course!





Bowdlerised, so even your nonna can read it (hopefully I got all the assterisks, below).

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipsh*t.

[Famous Arians: Otto von Bismarck, Vincent van Gogh, Adolf Hitler, Renato, Kullrad]


Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a g*ddamned communist.

[Famous Taureans: Elizabeth II heh, Uma Thurman, Sigmund Freud, Malte Zander]


Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

[Famous Geminians: Henry Kissinger, John F. Kennedy, Wynona Judd]


Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a sh*t. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

[Famous Cancerians: George W. Bush, OJ Simpson and Mike Tyson heh]


Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherf*ckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

[Famous Leos: Victoria! oh wait, I'm not famous...yet. Benito Mussolini, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Bill Clinton, Jose Aguirre]


Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your sh*t-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while f*cking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

[Famous Virgos: Ivan the Terrible, Agatha Christie, Sophia Loren ouch]


Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

[Famous Librans: Truman Capote, Luciano Pavarotti, Annette Funicello]


Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

[Famous Scorpios: Hillary Clinton heh, Katharine Hepburn, Fyodor Dostoyevsky]


Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of sh*t.

[Famous Sagittarians: Jim Morrison, Ed Koch, Ludwig van Beethoven, Alcibiades]


Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickensh*t. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

[Famous Capricorns: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, Sandy Koufax]


Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a f*cking jerk.

[Famous Aquarians: Oprah Winfrey, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Yoko Ono, Ron]


Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

[Famous Pisceans: Rupert Murdoch heh, Albert Einstein, Michelangelo, Antonino Scalia, Simon the cusp Pisces]