.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

Sundries
...a sweatshop of moxie

Friday, March 30, 2007

Horoscope Truthiness

(Welcome Vernondent readers!)

Happy Birthday, Renato!

Many happy returns to the Sundries co-blogger I'm sure, from all of us. Now then, an Aries man, is it?

In the spirit of the horoscope, or as I like to call it, that worthless piece of junk superstition that aims so broadly that it's bound to get some stuff right sometimes, here is The Official Adam Sandler Horoscope redaction, for your and other star signs.

Aries first, of course!





Bowdlerised, so even your nonna can read it (hopefully I got all the assterisks, below).

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipsh*t.

[Famous Arians: Otto von Bismarck, Vincent van Gogh, Adolf Hitler, Renato, Kullrad]


Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a g*ddamned communist.

[Famous Taureans: Elizabeth II heh, Uma Thurman, Sigmund Freud, Malte Zander]


Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

[Famous Geminians: Henry Kissinger, John F. Kennedy, Wynona Judd]


Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a sh*t. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

[Famous Cancerians: George W. Bush, OJ Simpson and Mike Tyson heh]


Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherf*ckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

[Famous Leos: Victoria! oh wait, I'm not famous...yet. Benito Mussolini, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Bill Clinton, Jose Aguirre]


Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your sh*t-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while f*cking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

[Famous Virgos: Ivan the Terrible, Agatha Christie, Sophia Loren ouch]


Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

[Famous Librans: Truman Capote, Luciano Pavarotti, Annette Funicello]


Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

[Famous Scorpios: Hillary Clinton heh, Katharine Hepburn, Fyodor Dostoyevsky]


Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of sh*t.

[Famous Sagittarians: Jim Morrison, Ed Koch, Ludwig van Beethoven, Alcibiades]


Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickensh*t. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

[Famous Capricorns: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, Sandy Koufax]


Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a f*cking jerk.

[Famous Aquarians: Oprah Winfrey, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Yoko Ono, Ron]


Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

[Famous Pisceans: Rupert Murdoch heh, Albert Einstein, Michelangelo, Antonino Scalia, Simon the cusp Pisces]

Labels: ,

26 Comments:

  • Hmm, I'm a Sagittarius and have no talent...

    "Famous Arians" ....... Adolf Hitler. That's a nice double entendre and homonym you've got there.

    By Blogger Alcibiades, at Fri Mar 30, 01:55:00 am GMT-4  

  • You forgot: Famous Taureans - madcynic.
    And no, i'm not modest. ha!

    By Blogger madcynic, at Fri Mar 30, 02:26:00 am GMT-4  

  • As an Aquarian, I would take great delight if Mozart wrote the dinner music that Oprah ate Ono too! (Another in a series of "sentences I thought I'd never say!")

    Happy Happy, Renato! Do something cool today. Let us all know!

    By Blogger Ron, at Fri Mar 30, 03:04:00 am GMT-4  

  • Hmmm, I'm an Aries.

    /me looks

    Great, I'm a paranoid dipshit that everyone hates.

    Sounds about right TBH.

    By Blogger Kullrad, at Fri Mar 30, 05:02:00 am GMT-4  

  • Dang, there was something I forgot to write.
    Happy Birthday, Renato. May many more follow suit.

    By Blogger madcynic, at Fri Mar 30, 05:02:00 am GMT-4  

  • Happy Birthday Renato!!

    While it is true that I am a born leader, I do not enjoy masturbation more than sex!

    By Blogger Jose Aguirre, at Fri Mar 30, 09:59:00 am GMT-4  

  • Thank you Vicky!!!

    Thats a hororscope! But it explains my liking of X-Files and being good at battleship. Also explains why when I bark out who to mark when playing soccer no one listens.

    No cool plans tonight, might go out for dinner.

    Thanks Malte, Ron & Jose!

    By Blogger Renato, at Fri Mar 30, 11:34:00 am GMT-4  

  • Happy birthday, Renato. Hope you're enjoying yourself already...

    By Blogger JSU, at Fri Mar 30, 07:24:00 pm GMT-4  

  • My birthday is Fenruary 19th, and weirdly enough, different horoscopes put the Aquarias-Pisces boundary in slightly different places. So I could be either. I usually just pick whichever sounds like it'd be more fun.

    By Blogger Simon, at Fri Mar 30, 09:11:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Hmm, I'm a Sagittarius and have no talent...

    Gasp!

    Actually, some of the, shall we say, more laid-back people I've ever met in the talent department, have been Sagittarians.

    Oh, there are some truly exceptionally talented people -- but I think the norm veers more towards "airhead". ;)

    "Famous Arians" ....... Adolf Hitler. That's a nice double entendre and homonym you've got there.

    Got it in one, mon ami!

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Mar 31, 12:43:00 am GMT-4  

  • You forgot: Famous Taureans - madcynic.
    And no, i'm not modest. ha!


    Hah, indeed! Taureans love money, power, and titles.

    That sounds NOTHING like you, Malte...except that Taureans are also well-known to be hypocrites. *duck!*

    ;)

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Mar 31, 12:44:00 am GMT-4  

  • As an Aquarian, I would take great delight if Mozart wrote the dinner music that Oprah ate Ono too!

    Imagine. ;)

    (Another in a series of "sentences I thought I'd never say!")

    Only you, my friend, only you.

    Now get Adela Rogers St. John, Mean Joe Green and Telly Savalas in one sentence!

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Mar 31, 12:46:00 am GMT-4  

  • Hmmm, I'm an Aries.

    /me looks


    Hey! That means your birthday already passed by, or more likely, is soon upon us.

    Care to share the date, my beloved Kully? :)

    Great, I'm a paranoid dipshit that everyone hates.

    Sounds about right TBH.


    Nonsense. You were the toast of Youksef.

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Mar 31, 12:47:00 am GMT-4  


  • While it is true that I am a born leader, I do not enjoy masturbation more than sex!


    Speak for yourself, fellow Leo. *g*

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Mar 31, 12:47:00 am GMT-4  

  • Thank you Vicky!!!

    Thats a hororscope! But it explains my liking of X-Files and being good at battleship. Also explains why when I bark out who to mark when playing soccer no one listens.


    LOL. And your friend who is on that team sounds like a Virgo. Selfish bastid. :)

    No cool plans tonight, might go out for dinner.

    I can semi-confidentially reveal that Renato had a great time with la famiglia on his birthday.

    Tell them about your sister and her "son", Renato! ;)

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Mar 31, 12:49:00 am GMT-4  

  • My birthday is Fenruary 19th, and weirdly enough, different horoscopes put the Aquarias-Pisces boundary in slightly different places. So I could be either. I usually just pick whichever sounds like it'd be more fun.

    Hey Simon! Nice to see you around, again. I'll be back on Althouse in no time at all. :)

    As for the horoscope -- I think you sound MUCH more like the down-to-earth, keen as mustard intellectually, Piscean.

    With all due respect to Ron, and his fellow Aquarians, let's just say that sanity is not those born under the star sign Aquarius' forté.

    In fact, they're most of them very very successful -- despite being completely doolally.

    Yep, you're a Pisces all right, Simon. What sign is Nino? :)

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Mar 31, 12:51:00 am GMT-4  

  • Victoria - I'd never thought to look actually, but now I copme to think of it, he's a pisces - 3/11/36! LOL. :p

    By Blogger Simon, at Sat Mar 31, 01:04:00 am GMT-4  

  • Victoria - I'd never thought to look actually, but now I copme to think of it, he's a pisces - 3/11/36! LOL. :p

    WHOA! That's amazing, Simon. :)

    Mind you, it fits -- Pisces are the (tortured) intellects of the Zodiac. And his mind is razor-sharp.

    See, you ARE a Pisces.

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sat Mar 31, 01:06:00 am GMT-4  

  • His mind is razor sharp - mine seems more like a bear trap, though: blunt, stationary, easily-provoked, and unwilling to let go. ;)

    By Blogger Simon, at Sat Mar 31, 01:20:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Your mind seems like a stalking ex-boyfriend, Simon. ;)

    No bunnies boiling please!

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Sun Apr 01, 12:07:00 am GMT-4  

  • With all due respect to Ron, and his fellow Aquarians, let's just say that sanity is not those born under the star sign Aquarius' forté.

    I embrace the profound truth that I am blessed with the divine gift that men call madness...and women call 'first husband,' as in, "Him? Oh, that was madness!"

    By Blogger Ron, at Sun Apr 01, 01:40:00 am GMT-4  

  • Hey! That means your birthday already passed by, or more likely, is soon upon us.

    Care to share the date, my beloved Kully? :)


    25th March. I'm not saying which year tho. Not even for you, darling ;-)

    Nonsense. You were the toast of Youksef.

    What do mean 'were'?

    At least I still post there. Not like some people I could mention.

    By Blogger Kullrad, at Mon Apr 02, 05:10:00 am GMT-4  

  • HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY KULLY!!! :)

    Thank God you're still holding the fort at Youksef. At least, I think that's a fort. Looks a bit wrinkly from here.

    Cheers,
    Victoria

    By Blogger vbspurs, at Tue Apr 03, 01:35:00 am GMT-4  

  • HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY KULLY!!! :)

    Thanks, Babe!!1!!!

    I expect the photo of your tits has got lost in the post.

    Again.

    By Blogger Kullrad, at Tue Apr 03, 04:50:00 am GMT-4  

  • This comment has been removed by the author.

    By Blogger Kullrad, at Tue Apr 03, 04:51:00 am GMT-4  

  • Victoria - no, no... I'm very low maintainance. ;)

    By Blogger Simon, at Wed Apr 04, 02:47:00 pm GMT-4  

Post a Comment

Who linked Here:

Create a Link

<< Home


 




Advertise on blogs
British Expat Blog Directory.