Mama Don't Preach
This story was simply too good to pass up on this lazy Friday afternoon, which is the perfect wind-down time to be "chismosa" (gossipy, as my Cuban friends say).
Did you know that Madonna, the woman who gave the world The Sex Book, has banned her eldest daughter, Lourdes, from having boyfriends until the lass is 18?
Ohhh, there is a God.
Speculation amongst the more brain-addled is rife as to why, but no less than an authority as The National Enquirer suggests this:
"A source told the National Enquirer magazine, 'it must come from her strict Catholic upbringing'.
Everyone told Lourdes how gorgeous she is at the 'Arthur and the Invisibles' premiere, which sent a red alert to Madonna! It made her nervous to think that in just a few years guys would be hitting on her only girl."
Despite her being a Kabbalist now, once a Catholic always a Catholic.
It haunts you forever, Madge! Muahahaha!
Recently, young Lourdes became obsessed with homosexuality, and read up on it to the point where her mother, once the bosom buddy of no less a fishmongers than Sandra Bernhardt, Ingrid Caseres (a graduate of The Church of The Little Flower School, as an aside), and Rosie O'Donnell, became very alarmed.
All the girl wanted to do, was to talk about gays. She even went so far as to interview gay friends of her mum, about what they did and stuff.
Being as I am, the daughter of a beautiful, and frankly sexy mother, I know how hard it can be to match that theatrical spark, so what Lourdes did was perhaps to understand it, so she could then sort it out inside herself later.
But I would caution Madonna, in the unlikely event she and I were ever to have a chinwag over this, that if you are too doctrinaire, that you will be in for a rude surprise.
Let's not forget that Cher, that other dazzling, larger-than-life mum, was also way strict with little Chastity, and look how that turned out.
It seems Madonna isn't the listening kind though, and is rather strict, to say the least.
"My kids don't watch TV. We have televisions but they're not hooked up to anything but movies. TV is trash. I was raised without it. We don't have magazines or newspapers in the house either."
She added, "My daughter has a problem picking things up in her room. So if you leave your clothes on the floor, we put them in a trash bag. She has to earn them back by being tidy. I'm a disciplinarian. Guy's the spoiler."
That's where her menage and my parents differed.
My father was the enforcer, and he was the One Who Must Be Obeyed, not my mother, who was the spoiler (and that's why I adore her!). He also had strict rules about only one hour of television per day, and no boys until I was 16.
To this day, one look from his ice-blue eyes, and I still feel yae big. Shiver.
Still, I'm sorry for young Lola.
It's one thing to have an overly protective father, but though it wouldn't be the first time this happened, it must suck to have an mother with a Whore/Madonna complex.
Hang in there, Lourdita!
P.S.: Apparently, Cuban dad Carlos Leon, is less than thrilled with Lourdes' "full on British accent".
He says it makes her sound affected, though I'm sure he used the Cuban for it, "pes'a" -- pesada.