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...a sweatshop of moxie

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Michelle No-Belle

After 6 months of intense spotlight, and short of Bill Clinton's stump efforts, an impressive tally of surrogate appearances for her spouse, it can be said Michelle Obama is no stranger to the American public.

We know her face. We know her voice. We even kinda know her body language.

But how much of that is due to media coverage? 99%? A fair percentage, wouldn't you say. And you know what I have begun to notice:

That Michelle Obama is rarely photographed in flattering poses. In fact, she's quite ugly in them.

Oh sure, for every posed, sleek photograph like this one:

(Which, by the way makes the Al/Tipper tongue-lock look tame in comparison. Note to Ebony Magazine: yes, I'm delighted to find out my potential future President shtups his missus. I just don't want to SEE it, you know? Especially from behind, ew)

There's this:

I have entitled this typical facial moue of hers, "Michelle regrets".

The kind of regret in a face that says, in a perfect world, I would be young, rich and successful, married to a great, ambitious guy poised to rule the world. Instead, she got saddled with her god-awful life.

Poor Michelle. Life sucks so hard.

If it were only this kind of candid photograph, you might think I were exaggerating. But just look at this photo:

Yes, the overbite doesn't help. Yes, the commie fist pump even less.

(What IS it with the Obamas and fists? Don't go there, I just did, sorry).

And well, being darn well close to 6 feet tall, I suppose the photog had to winch himself on a crane to get the overhead shot.

But couldn't he have waited a split-second more to capture her in passionate dignity? That's not as much a non-sequitur as you might think. Here's Caroline Kennedy showing how it's done.

The next candids are where savvier blogreaders will understand what I really mean about unflattering poses.

This one is just hideous.

Like many tall women, she needs to bring back her shoulders and stop slouching. Probably a defense mechanism "tallies" (as I, a shortie, call them) employ.

But the St. Tropez squint kills her. And the furrowed brow. And grabbing the mic as if she were squeezing the life out of a, well, the mind plays tricks so close to her husband, that's all I'm saying.

Here's another one. Yikes. The photographer really dropped the ball on this shot.

Couldn't s/he have waited one New York second to have gotten a less menacing shot of the Senator's wife?

My God, flashbacks to my irate Headmistress dressing me down in her office are flooding me in waves. Stop it!

Too late.

If the one up top was Michelle Regrets, and the one in the middle, Michelle Berates...this is full-on Michelle Mucho Pissed Off.

Even the angry, scrunchy-wearing 1992 version of Hillary Clinton didn't look this bitter at the patriarchal establishment.

Why, compared to Michelle in 2008, even Hillary's cackle and ability to poke fun at herself was almost...grandmotherly. Bubba turned Bubbe.

But my stars, not even sketch-artists leave her be.

If someone doodled a picture of me showing my "Chinese moustache" lines, I'd be livid. As a dermatology laser treatment survivor, I feel intensely for what Mrs. Obama is going through.

I just can't understand why photographers would do this to Michelle. How mean. How sexist. Frankly, yes, okay, I'll say it -- how racist!!

Yes, you heard me: R-A-C-I-S-T. You know how I know that? Because she's black. Duh.

She's not the first black woman around politics to have to undergo the trials of Sheba in white racist America, either. Look at how the media delighted in portraying poor Cynthia McKinney.

With whacked out, bulging madwoman's eyes you wouldn't elect to dogcatcher, let alone to the US House of Representatives!

I'm just so ashamed of everyone who has contributed in bringing down Mrs. Obama by constantly showing her in unflattering poses.

I think all Americans need a huge time-out in the corner. Think long and hard why you are seeking to bring down this poor woman, and write a letter of apology.

THIS is not the America I knew.

UPDATE: This week's copy of US Weekly to the rescue! The Obamas are "just like us".

And then, of course, there was yesterday's The View!

And no, Whoopi didn't say, "Michelle, you in danger girl!".

Labels: , ,


  • This is the Victoria I love.

    By Blogger Ruth Anne Adams, at Wed Jun 18, 03:57:00 pm GMT-4  

  • And the Victoria you always knew. ;)


    By Blogger vbspurs, at Wed Jun 18, 03:59:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Victoria could read me the phone book and I'd sigh...

    Especially from behind, ew
    Isn't Annale sex the kind where you read Marc Bloch while contemplating the long duree?

    To be too, too chic, shouldn't we redub this sex as Barack-door sex?

    A Schtick Too Far -- the title of my autobiography!

    Michelle in some of this pictures strangely looks ET-like on her face!

    By Blogger Ron, at Wed Jun 18, 05:49:00 pm GMT-4  

  • One point needs to be made...

    From all accounts i've seen (and heard during my visits south) Cynthia McKinney appears to actually be a whacked-out madwoman.

    (back to the shadows now)


    By Anonymous BrotherDarryl, at Wed Jun 18, 11:45:00 pm GMT-4  

  • You know, Michelle's very slight schpeech impediment is very dischtracting. But I'm a schtrong woman...I'll try to overcome it.

    By Blogger Ruth Anne Adams, at Thu Jun 19, 04:25:00 pm GMT-4  

  • Now, now. Let's not pick on Michelle Obama. After all she's not a part of Obama's campaign, otherwise she'd be fair game.

    What's that? She is part of his campaign?

    Well, then, have at it! Don't shtop now!

    By Blogger benning, at Wed Jul 02, 01:10:00 pm GMT-4  

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