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Sundries
...a sweatshop of moxie

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Pope Benedict's Real Apology

(Welcome Anchoress readers!)

Last week, a squirrely German professor with more hair on his head than any 79-year old should have a right to, met his soundbite match.

The Catholic Pontiff, so recently elevated to the Throne of St. Peter, used an official visit to his old home, Bavaria, to reference a Byzantine emperor's words on Islam...

...thus giving this long-dead Paleologue monarch more Google hits, than he's had in a frikkin' long time.

Instead of plaudits from the pundits for making them scramble to their Encyclopaedia Britanicas, which would've been the reaction of almost every one in this world, save wild-eyed fanatics, we have had:

  • Thousands of protesting marchers heaping condemnation without having read a single word of what Pope Benedict really said, let alone understood it


  • Said Pope burnt in effigy in a host of Muslim cities around the world


  • Dozens of Christian churches torched and/or desecrated (hey, there's a choice?), no matter if they're Roman Catholic or what


  • An Italian nun killed in Somalia


  • And as we know with extremists, that's just for starters.

    This little contretemps, unlike even the recent Danish cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed, has staying power in the form of an elderly German man who makes for a good punching bag excuse for the Arab street to vent.

    But don't you expect one single iota of forgiveness, re-evaluation, and dialogue FROM THESE PROTESTERS, about this.

    Oh no.

    Only the Pope, and thereto his Christian minions the world over, must abjectly apologise for words not his own, and thoughts he didn't endorse.

    Here's what we'll do, then.

    Let's craft Pope Benedict's apology as these fanatical adherents of what is, we're constantly being told, a gentle, peace-loving religion, would like to hear.

    So here goes an attempt at mollifying the sensibilities of the outraged; the disaffected; the just plain cheesed off.

    (I included in the latter category, those around the world who may not necessarily be Muslim, but for whatever reason, found themselves with elevated blood-pressure after Pope Benedict's address in Regensburg University.

    They are legion, and they have blogs too, you know. Link me!)



    "My dear brothers of the Book, I, Benedict XVI, would like to personally apologise to each and every one of you to whom I have offended by my callous citation of Manuel II Paleologue's libellous attack on your noble, peace-worshipping religion.

    Of course, we all know that my true feelings on Islam mirror very closely what the Byzantine emperor said, since I consider my religion superior to yours in every way.

    In fact, you correctly surmised that I used a common journalistic trick of scrounging up a quote that reflects your own world view, and using it for good effect to make a point.

    This, of course, allows me to say what I really truly feel, whilst looking "neutral" throughout.

    Nevertheless, it was wrong of me to be so candid, and I take any punishment your more vigourous co-religionists mete out at Christians around the world for my hasty judgement on Islam, with bowed head, the better to be chopped off at your later convenience.

    Allow me to also apologise to Muslims the world over who feel hard done by the Jewish people, for not going out whole-hog alongside your venom towards Israel, considering I once donned the garb of a Hitler Youth.

    I mean, come on, you should expect more from the Panzer Cardinal, right?

    Furthermore, should you consider it worth your while to enter the Vatican during my Pontificate, we promise not to screen, racially-profile, or strip search you in any way, shape or form, the better so you can come near me and show me your appreciation for my words.

    Although it is true that you do not allow us into Mecca...though any Crusader...infidel...unbeliever will be killed if found inside the hallowed city, and we do let you into our holy places, with no questions asked (except the solicitation of a few coins from your oil-rich purses), we understand that certain people consider us unclean unbelievers who defile the very ground we trod.

    Why do we do this, when you are so adamantly strict in your own practises?

    Because we're stupid -- and therefore exploitable, but you know, in a GOOD, gomint cheese type of way.

    Please note that whilst I am the spiritual leader of 1 billion Catholics on our shared planet, that I consider myself the real leader (Führer!!) of all those who you hate the most, save the retard in the White House and his lickspittle in London, not to mention that vegetable and his successor in Jerusalem.

    Thus, my words carry supreme weight with all Christians, and you should punish us all for my despicable words about Islam, that shining beacon of tolerance and kindliness as shown throughout history.

    After all, who amongst us can forget your respect of the fellow peoples of the Book in your countries, when their dhimmitude was held in legal protection -- whilst we murdered and killed Jews and non-Catholics wantonly, for ABSOLUTE YONKS...back in the day.

    Ah, but what a day! Good times.

    So, please once again accept my deepest, humblest and sincerest apologies for my words on Islam, that noblest of all religions, whose sheer weight of historical triumphs over peoples bodes well for mass conversion in the future.

    Further to this, I would like you to know, that should the Caliphate once again rise up, and take the word of the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) throughout the lands it once reigned, and where the ignorant live without its sacred knowledge, that I shall be your first convert!

    If spared.

    Thanks to all for your collective attention to my ex-cathedra, but abundantly heartfelt apology.

    Thank you and drive home safely -- you're the only ones who can afford to."

    Well, if the Vatican Office of Communications is so rude as not to compose this simple, but complete apology, which billions of protesters have awaited with anxious patience, then you know, SOMEONE has got to do it.

    And hey, might as well be a blogger.

    Just don't let on I'm a woman.


    UPDATE: Watch the original speech in German

    RELATED READING

    The Essential Differences Between Modern Christianity and Modern Islam

    Why are We Afraid of Benedict XVI?

    6 Comments:

    • As a female, Catholic blogger, Victoria, you are undoubtedly a 'spiritual suicide vest' to their religious faith! No wonder they vent in fear...They may have a billion believers, but they are still outnumbered!

      ...thus giving this long-dead Paleologue monarch more Google hits, than he's had in a frikkin' long time. Well sure, he won't do link-backs, so no wonder his sitemeter is in the tank! His new blog, I am so dead! is pretty righteous, though...

      By Blogger Ron, at Tue Sep 19, 02:16:00 am GMT-4  

    • As a female

      ALLEGED female.

      I refused to participate in the Carnival of the Boobies.

      Catholic blogger, Victoria, you are undoubtedly a 'spiritual suicide vest' to their religious faith! No wonder they vent in fear...They may have a billion believers, but they are still outnumbered!

      And don't forget, women talk for two!

      No wonder India and China pray for males.

      ...thus giving this long-dead Paleologue monarch more Google hits, than he's had in a frikkin' long time. Well sure, he won't do link-backs, so no wonder his sitemeter is in the tank! His new blog, I am so dead! is pretty righteous, though...

      I am so dead

      *LOL*

      Oh, for the days of Harriet Mier's blog.

      Cheers,
      Victoria

      By Blogger vbspurs, at Tue Sep 19, 02:24:00 am GMT-4  

    • This won't be the last time the Pontiff touches on these subjects.

      By Blogger JSU, at Tue Sep 19, 03:09:00 am GMT-4  

    • This won't be the last time the Pontiff touches on these subjects.

      Have blog apology. Will travel!

      P.S.: Seriously, though, this Pope isn't spoiling for a fight, unlike his accusers.

      However, his quiet determination to call a spade a spade...

      ...and to define the argument for what it is, that is, the dichotomy of saying you're a peaceful religion historically, but being shown up as anything but, even to the modern-day, is not something he's prepared to overlook, despite that not being what he was saying in Regensburg.

      Still, he's not politically correct, that way -- that Christiane Amanpour way.

      Thank God.

      The problem is, he doesn't have a lot of time on his hands...organically, I mean.

      Cheers,
      Victoria

      By Blogger vbspurs, at Tue Sep 19, 03:36:00 am GMT-4  

    • Just don't let on I'm a woman.


      Who knew? have you been fitted for your veil and burka?

      Frankly, I think you'd look quite fetching in a veil.

      By Blogger I R A Darth Aggie, at Tue Sep 19, 07:22:00 am GMT-4  

    • Instapundit agrees with me that there's a longer strategy afoot.

      By Blogger JSU, at Sat Sep 23, 01:44:00 am GMT-4  

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