Move over, Vince from Shamwow. This is my latest favourite advert on television! Adidas' "Celebrate Originality", which just happens to be the most expensive commercial ever shot.
It's like those old disaster films of the '70s. Every time you turn around, there's a famous person peeping out. Let's count 'em:
David Beckham schmoozing with Kevin Garnett. Russell Simmons, Young Jeezy, Brandy, Katy Perry, Estelle, Taye Diggs, Serena Williams blowing confetti, Chris Rock, Ilie Nastase, Kazuki, Ryukyudisko, Marlon Wayans, Missy Elliot (love her doing an updated version of the Car Wash -- I thought only us uncoordinated folk did that when dancing), Afra, Jeremy Scott, Mark Gonzales, Run DMC, Chad Hugo, The Ting Tings, Redman, Method Man, et so very al.
So do you like it? You have to admit, that song is just tight. It's "Beggin'" by Madcon, which those of you who remember is originally by Frankie Valli! Good Lord. What will these crazy kids rip off next?
Incidentally, one of the best parties I ever attended had a very similar vibe to this video.
It was in South America. I was invited by one of the scions of this elite family to come to a certain address. I went with a group by taxi to this extremely secluded area, which is rather daring of my parents since I was just 14 or so. They trusted me.
Turned out to be an entire building which had been rented for the express purpose of this party. Can you imagine that? Brilliant.
When I asked if it was a birthday party, a more seasoned boy smiled and replied: No. It's just a party. He grabbed my hand and we went running up the stairs, which were crowded with all manner of people, young and old, sitting, reclining, bending over, and lying around the stairwell.
Each flat had a theme, and since this was a pre-war building, they were often interconnecting like those still found in New York City.
One had jugglers, the other was a poetry reading, the next was a seance, one especially large flat was just dancing (only later was I told the group playing were one of the most famous rock bands in the country). There was a menagerie of animals, including chimpanzees and a flock of birds, located near the roof. Yes, there was even a mime that went around, but not one of those supercilious French versions -- he was a very recherché post-modern mime, rather as if Proust had come back to life, monocle and all, blowing soap bubbles.
As you entered one room, you took a whiff of nitrous oxide. Not only did I not do a Clinton, I enjoyed it.
I explored each room, each floor, yes, even each bathtub. I laughed and danced for hours. I lost and found my friends a dozen times, until we reunited for good for the final attraction.
All the lights were turned off suddenly, women screaming, like women do when something delicious is about to happen.
Suddenly, fireworks lit up the rooms from outside, setting alight the faces of all the people around me in a glow I have tried to duplicate in all my parties, without success.
See, originality is rarely original.
It merely exists until one day you discover it all over again.
In a surprising move today, Lindsay Lohan and her gal pal, Samantha Ronson, revealed their Presidential endorsements via Ronson's MySpace blog.
(Wait, La Lohan is gay? When did this happen? And is she Ellen DeGeneres gay, or Anne Heche gay? And by that, I am not implying Lohan is off her rocker like Anne, so don't even go there. If she's happy, I'm doing the 'raising the roof' gesture as I type)
I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor. Which is probably all she is qualified to be… Also interesting that she got her passport in 2006.. And that she is not fond of environmental protection considering she's FOR drilling for oil in some of our protected land…. Well hey, if she wants to drill for oil, she should DO IT IN HER OWN backyard. This really shows me her complete lack of real preparation to become the second most powerful person in this country.
As I read this, I feel not unlike a Jehovah's Witness entering the first door not slammed into his face: Yay, where do I begin.
If I got this straight, according to the lesbian thespian, a mere four years ago, Sarah Palin wanted nothing more than to be a television anchor. She was cheesed when Katie Couric was chosen to replace Brokaw, and in a fit of pique, mushed her huskies back to Alaska. Lohan and Ronson now suggest she dredge up the hydrangeas in her backyard in an attempt to find Texas tea.
They continue.
Hmmmm-All of this gets me going-Fear, Anxiety, Concern, Disappointment, and Stress come into play…
Coincidentally, this was the exact reaction of the "Georgia Rule" test audience.
Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?
Change this around a little, and you'll see a little projection forming:
"Is our country so stupid that the Democrats really need support from a narrow-minded, media obsessed bisexual?"
I know that the most important thing about this election is that people need to exercise their right to vote, regardless of their choice… I would have liked to have remained impartial, however I am afraid that the "lipstick on a pig" comments will overshadow the issues and the fact that I believe Barack Obama is the best choice, in this election, for president…
Not sure I follow, Linds and Sam. You're saying that if Barack Obama hadn't been pounced on for his possible allusion to Palin as a "pig wearing lipstick", that you would've taken the silent road to the ballot box all the way until November 4?
Why, do you fear being black-balled in Hollywood for your support of Obama? I heard it's brutal there for Democrats.
Palin's Desire to "save and convert the gays"-really??
Though the Germanic capitalisation of "Desire" is fun, in a Peyton Place/Palin's Desire kind of way, as is the abruptly hyphenated "-really", the thought process threw me here. It's like a really bad Twitter message, when you just have to squeeze your logic unto the last remaining characters available. The results can be hilarious, as in Matt Damon-talking-about-Disney-movies hilarious.
According to this Associated Press story, the church of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is hosting a kind of conference devoted to the "conversion of Gays" — no kidding.
My prayers are a little more desperate, I'm afraid.
Every night, I ask our Lord to make semi-literate movie stars a little less self-involved, and stop paying attention to what Drew Barrymore texted you on her Blackberry.
In case you were wondering, and I'm fairly sure everyone reading was, here are their official endorsements for US President in 2008.
Lindsay- "I have faith that this country will be all that it can be with the proper guidance. I really hope that all of you make your decisions based on the facts and what feels right to you in your heart-vote for obama!"
Samantha- "I love this country- however i wasn't born here and don't have the right to vote- so i beg of you all to really do your research and be educated when you cast your vote this coming november…. and if you're in doubt- vote for obama! Mainly because if she gets elected my green card probably won't get renewed!!!"
xoxo
Lindsay and Samantha
Whew.
All I can say is, I'm safe now after I was naturalised an US citizen 4 years ago. So you know, tough noogies to all you illegals so lovingly protected for years by Senator McCain. I gots mine, suffer!! xoxoxo.
P.S.: Oh, and don't believe everything you hear about Sarah Palin, Miss Lohan. I heard the whole Vice-President thing, well, it's just a stage.
I promised myself never to refer to the surrounding topic of the Holloway disappearance, but I note that media have been slow Stateside to pick up the latest twist to the story.
(Unfortunately, they were slow to the point of non-existent about picking up the legality of another story, which is much more important in the scheme of things...)
The alleged murderer of poor Natalee Holloway, Joran van der Sloot, tried to trick his ex-girlfriend into "smuggling" 34,000 Euros he had in a poker account (he can't be that good, can he?). With the proceeds, the confessed pothead apparently is opening up an Amsterdam-style coffeeshop in Thailand.
You know, there are some people that one can say without any shadow of a doubt that they are "bad news". Joran van der Sloot is definitely one of them.
He's scum personified, and such people end up very badly.
If you read Dutch, here is an excerpt from the Geen Stijl (the Netherlands' #1 online site) post on the topic:
Joran begint coffeeshop in Thailand
"Mannen die van hun hobby hun beroep maken. Daar hebben we bij GeenStijl repsetc voor. Handjes op elkaar dus voor die vieze coño van een Joran van der Sloot. Meneer wordt entrepreneur in verdovende middelen! Volgens een rancuneuze - dus 100% betrouwbare - tipgever van Radio 538 staat onze meisjeswegmoffelaar op het punt een coffeeshop in Thailand te beginnen. De hele dag Bacardi 151 wegslaan op een bountystrandje begint ook te vervelen. Bovendien is het leven op het tropisch paradijsje Koh Tao ook niet gratis. Daarom heeft Joran geprobeerd zijn pokerwinsten in lokale bahts om te zetten. De anonieme tipgever zou met ruim 34.000 euries de grens over moeten zodat Joran zijn handeltje in zoete thaise wietjes kan opstarten."
The accompanying article photo shows a naked Joran on some godforsaken beach, mooning tourists and waving like a fool.
What a piece of work.
UPDATED: A hilarious (if it weren't so pathetic) Youtube video on the only thing that matters to Joran: having fun explaining what happened to Natalee. "My name is Sloot" is a riff on his surname, "Of the Ditch". Well, he is as dull as ditch water, and just as clean.
I enjoyed the bejesus-juice out of writing that, since it allowed my twin loves of movies and writing about, well, nothing to shine through.
But you can't write about actors, and not expect a companion piece about actresses to follow at some point, right? Here you go!
But hang on a mo'.
I thought about it even back then, and realised I just can't cough up another Top 10 list about elegant Hollywood actresses of the studio era.
My readers will roll their eyeballs at me like a row of Marty Feldmans, and snicker, "There goes that Vic again. Always with the elegance. Snore.".
So, I thought and thought, and thought, then realised I should maybe tie this in with Valentine's Day:
That most traditional of days when love, heady love, is in the air, everywhere I look around, love is in the air, every sight and every sound, the Love Boat exciting and new!
Erm, sorry, where were we again? Oh, right, St. Valentine's Day, 14 February 2007.
So on this wonderful day devoted to love, I offer you something a little different.
For the opposite of love is lust, and you can't have lust without a good slut.
You heard me.
A good, old-fashioned, heart of gold, can teach you a trick or two, been around the block (and back), get yourself checked for crabs, two-fer Sundays, Heidi Fleiss List slut.
They're usually not the girls who get candies and cards on Valentine's, but they ARE the ones guys fantasise about, all through their lives.
Not all guys have the same tastes, though -- some favouring one kind of slutty ho over the other, so in the spirit of the variety of spices, I offer you this seductively trashy list below.
With apologies to Bette Davis (too Yankee to be a slut), "Fasten your seatbelts! This is going to be a humpy ride!"
THE 10 SLUTTIEST (OLD) HOLLYWOOD ACTRESSES
10. Norma Shearer
THE CLASSY SLUT
Ahh, Norma Shearer.
The girl who might've slept her way to the top, but first she married the top -- boy wonder, Irving Thalberg, production chief of MGM who recognised her talents as soon as he left her bedroom.
This Canadian lass from Montreal with the lazy eye, and hyper-theatrical persona was born to play the modern roles which Hollywood glamourised in the pre-Hays era.
From "the other woman" roles, to "the divorced woman" roles, to "saucy high society deb" roles, to a libidinous and almost unrecognisably affable Marie Antoinette, Norma Shearer was THE perfect slut for her time.
This is the gal guys dreamt of going to bed with, if only because they loved thinking of her scratching up their backs with those jungle-red nails.
Unlike almost any other of the women listed below, she also might just be the only one presentable enough to be introduced to dear mama, or to be escorted to brunch at the country club.
She was that rarest of sluts too, she could show she had brains and men didn't hate it, but admired her for it.
Yes, Norma Shearer was living testament that a slut need not be dirty to be desirable.
She just had to project dirty with those bedroom eyes you see blazing at you above, 70 years ago. Yowza!
9. Marlene Dietrich
THE AC/DC SLUT
Maybe some day men will explain it to me, why the thought of two women with interlocked lips and writhing limbs is universally hot to them, but guys, I just don't get it.
Most of the women who like that sort of thing look like this, 'ssamatter you?
But I suppose reality has never intruded into a male's sexual fantasies, especially since on rare, festive occasion you get a looker who just happens to swing both ways.
And that would pretty much describe the original Blue Angel, Marlene Dietrich.
She was the slut archetype that was virtually unknown until the heady free-for-all days of the Weimar Republic, when monocled girls took turns dancing with diaphanous creatures in Berlin nightclubs, some of them females.
I suppose the reason Marlene Dietrich was better received by males as sex object, than say her MGM foreign rival, Greta Garbo, was that Marlene Dietrich was the kind of woman who was butch enough to drink a man under the table, but also could be sexy in an aggressively kittenish type of way.
Sort of like a Brigitte Bardot who knew her way around a harness.
(Poor Greta had "instruction manual" written all over her)
When you think of testosterone-driven sexual energy, you'd have to think of Marlene Dietrich as your slut of choice.
Heck, if she had sung an octave deeper, she'd be Barry White.
8. Joan Blondell
THE TRASHY SLUT
No one remembers Joan Blondell anymore, save the good burghers of Rantburg.
(As an aside, Burger Nation is a good place to hang out, since their "Good Morning" post always features a sexpot du jour, gone but never forgotten, at least not by them)
In this context, she's very much like the slut archetype she projected or was made to project, on screen -- the girl who might be a knockout, but perhaps a little too low-rent to be seen by your mama.
The Trashy Slut is always showing a little too much leg.
And loves nothing better than to be admired in her bath, waiting for you to hand her your "loofah".
By the way, the Italian version of the Trashy Slut will forever be Giuletta Massina in The Nights of Cabiria, with her loud "va fanculs" still ringing out proudly 50 years later.
Actually, the Trashy Slut is not half bad, as far as sluts go. They just like to have a fun time -- is that so wrong?
7. Louise Brooks
THE EXHIBITIONIST SLUT
It's hard to know what to make of Louise Brooks.
She was modern and slutty in ways even men weren't ready a woman to be in the '20s.
Brooks, then around 60 years-old, wrote her Congressman a letter asking him to help her to ban Valium in the US, because it took away the desire to pleasure oneself, from a woman (I did not know that actually).
I mean, jeez, no wonder she had to flee to Germany to star as the once, and eternal Lulu in those Pabst films.
Maybe it's because of her frank, ultra-modern face didn't particularly want to hide anything from men, that it took a special, brave kind of man to want this lulu of a Lulu.
That famous pageboy for one, influenced every girl from Darla of Our Gang fame, to years later, another Louise, this time House of Eliott, Louise Lombard -- that luscious Anglo-Irish actress for whom millions of men tuned into, even for this ultra-chick TV series.
And why not? You never knew when you would get a peak or two.
6. Lana Turner
THE DREAM SLUT
All this talk of slut is making me sleepy.
And that's good, because next up for Slut Of the Moment, is Lana Turner, the archetypical Dream Slut.
By now, everyone on earth worth their Oscars statuette salt knows the story of how she was "discovered" -- seated at the lunch counter at Schraft's, wearing an angora sweater so tight, the Hollywood agent almost fell over his banana sundae.
Never mind that the story was more of a concoction than an ice-cream soda:
Everyone fell for it, because it was a dream-like way to be plucked from obscurity to fame -- Horatio Alger with tits.
This brings us to another point about Lana Turner.
She was one of those sluts that both men and women liked. Some of the slut archetypes listed here really get on some women's nerves.
Women tend not to like the Trashy Slut, they think the AC/DC Slut is creepsville, and they are dismissive of the Exhibitionist Slut (whilst secretly admiring her cojones).
But the Dream Slut is what they have in mind, when they go into that Victoria's Secret emporium, plunk down $200 for a bra and see-thru' nightie, and come out with a smile on their faces.
So now you know, guys.
Stand outside a Victoria's Secret shop this weekend, and check out the ladies coming out with a twinkle in their eyes.
That's not a piece of grit. That's a future Dream Slut out two-hundred bucks.
5. Joan Crawford
THE UPWARDLY-MOBILE SLUT
Oh sure, think men when they catch sight of The Upwardly-Mobile Slut.
She's a waitress NOW, but this girl has got something. One can really see her going from rags to riches on my arm, and maybe she's just the gal I need to help me do it.
That sentiment neatly described most of the roles Joan Crawford ever played at Metro:
The Upperwardly-Mobile Slut is the kind that scrubs up well.
She may be forced to buy from the Sears Roebuck catalogue now, but when the time comes, she'll be a knock-out wearing those Schiaparelli furs.
Perhaps the Upwardly-Mobile Slut is a touch too independent to be the straight-marrying kind, but she certainly can give a man a run for his money, whilst they are together.
Joan Crawford, in her heydey, was one of the most alluring, glamourous stars in the firmament known as Hollywood.
Polite to a fault with her fans (whom she never forgot put her inside the clothes she wore so well), never forgetting to send back an autographed glammed up photo, she knew the recipient could be a future Joan Crawford stuck in some rathole in Iowa.
She played her role well with both men and women, who both gave the Upwardly-Mobile Slut plenty of affection on the big screen.
Heck, she was the girl everyone rooted for to win, in the chick-film to end all chick-films, The Women.
You tell me one "Other Woman" who would get the sympathy she could garner from her audience, like she could. Why, they would've knifed Katharine Hepburn themselves if they could.
Please note though:
The Upwardly-Mobile Slut sometimes turns out to be Mommie Dearest.
Just remember, fellas, when she says no more wire hangers, she means it.
4. Clara Bow
THE GOOD-TIME GIRL SLUT
Clara Bow is famous for three things:
1. Having a Brooklyn accent so thick, even Bugs Bunny couldn't understand her.
(She disappeared when the talkies hit the big time)
2. Bee-stung lips, which by the way, I share, see? *purses lips*
That it wasn't true is beside the point. She was the It Girl, which was flapper and bathtub gin short-hand for a good-time girl.
And that's what Good Time Girls did back then. Live with it!
3. Barbara Stanwyck
THE BRASSY SLUT
One of the best things about Old Hollywood, is that they didn't pigeonhole their actresses by looks, just by talent.
If you had range, you could play a saucy minx in Jezebel, even though you had bulbous eyes Queen Victoria would be proud of, like Bette Davis.
If you looked like a goddess but swore like a trucker, you could play ditzes in screwball comedies, like Carole Lombard.
If you had a way about you, could handle a champagne flute, or a broomstick, you could play both the ingenue or the lead, like Ingrid Bergman.
But Hollywood also needed a girl from the mean streets who never forgot she was from the mean streets, and that was Barbara Stanwyck, the Brassy Slut.
The Brassy Slut isn't quite the Trashy Slut, because she's ambitious.
She's not the Good-Time-Girl Slut because she's got character.
And she's not the Upwardly-Mobile Slut, because usually life is really hard on her, and rarely cuts her a break -- this is why her outward veneer is usually cold, and her tongue sassy.
It screams, "I'm out for number 1 'cause you lousy jerks don't care about me!".
Film critic Leslie Halliwell loved Barbara Stanwyck.
She was a genuine outsider in the Hollywood system, able to translate such depths of tenderness in her roles, that her personality jumped straight out at you from the screen, a priceless quality to have.
So guys, when you meet a Brassy Slut or two once in a while, remember, there's a heart of gold lurking underneath that crusty exterior.
In the phrase of her day, she was some kind of dame.
2. Jean Harlow
THE TROPHY SLUT
Paris Hilton, and before her, the late Anna Nicole Smith are but a few modern examples of a woman who all but created a genre of womanhood, all on her own -- the Blonde Bombshell, Jean Harlow.
To imagine that this wispy, but not untalented actress died in 1937, is to realise just how lasting her visual is in our minds:
The Trophy Slut is the gal who a man wants, whom he desires more than anything, not because it says something about her, but because it says something about HIM.
Hey, look at me! You think a hot bit of crumpet like this would marry just any Schmoe!
You know, years ago, I realised my father had married The Trophy...erm, Wife:
Blonde, outrageously beautiful, and though she had a good head on her shoulders, she wasn't at pains to show it (unlike her daughter, see "Classy Slut").
When I questioned him about it one day, gently, he all but confessed to me he had indeed, married his version of a Jean Harlow.
"When I walk into a room, I feel like every chap there says, look at that guy. He's the luckiest so-and-so in the world."
And so he was.
By the way, for my money, this is one of the funniest scenes in Hollywood history.
The comic timing of Canadian grande dame, Marie Dressler, in doing a double-take, is only matched by the deadpan set-up timing of Jean Harlow.
1. Mae West
THE MAN-EATING SLUT
Mae West. They don't make 'em like that anymore. Thank God.
I end this Top 10 Sluttiest Actresses list with this inimitable actress, because she was simply, the Queen Slut on celluloid.
No woman even comes close to her Sluttiness, full stop.
There isn't one female impersonator (whom comically, audiences at the time thought she was) who could match her unreplicatable slut strut.
Never has there been a more outrageous, sexually-explicit woman like Mae West. She OOZED sexual promiscuity, from every pore in her body, a body which had more curves than Old Cutler Road.
This wasn't the kind of slut that would let a man have the upper-hand, or the last say.
Her attraction for men, lay in the fact that every man likes a good challenge -- she was the human equivalent of conquering a boa constrictor.
That they survived uneaten afterwards, was itself another notch in the belt.
Yes, Mae West was one of a kind.
But did you know, I can do a mean Mae West impersonation myself? Yes!
From the chafing inner thighs waddle, to the speech inflections, to that Billy Idol curl around the lips when she is about to launch into her trademark quips, your humble blogger here present can duplicate The Man-Eating Slut to a tee.
I still haven't screwed up the courage to go dressed as Mae West to a fancy dress party or as a Halloween costume, but I will, I will.
The Man-Eating Slut, after all, is an aged slut. I have time on my side.
Though I AM practising my one-liners, now:
"A hard man is good to find"
"A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction."
"An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises."
"Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly."
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
"He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of."
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond."
"I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported."
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it."
"It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men."
"Sex is emotion in motion."
"Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often."
"To err is human, but it feels divine."
"When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better."
"When women go wrong, men go right after them."
And lastly, there is this Mae West quote that is my personal favourite.
"I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure."
I used this line under my high school year book picture. And by the time the principal saw it, it had already gone to print. Teehee. Sluts rule!
